random thoughts

living in the tension

2009-06-16T11:33:00.000-07:00

today i’m bummed out and just wanted to be real about it.

the cause for the bumming out is my own fault, but i’m not quite sure why, which only adds to the negative feeling.
the thing is, once again i’ve mismanaged our budget and we now have 2 overdraft fees against our checking account. this is the second time in the last month and it’s so frustrating! it would be frustrating enough if we’d just made a mistake or something simple, but what’s especially frustrating is that i follow the online statements religiously, at least every other day, but usually daily, to see what’s posted, comparing it to my excel spreadsheet of what should be posting soon, etc. i usually enjoy the meticulous process since i love lists and organization.
yet twice this month i’ve somehow bungled it up and ended with a negative balance. today two debits have shown up as being more than our balance.

i suspect that part of the problem is that i don’t have a complete understanding of the online banking’s complexities. it seems like it’d be pretty standard – when a debit clears at the bank, it should go through the online banking & show up on the statement. what i’ve come to realize though is that they organize the previous day’s debits with the largest debit coming out of our account first, which rearranges the way it looked on that previous day. so i can be looking at the online statement on monday and feel great, yes, we’re on track. then on tuesday, looking back at monday’s activity, it will be arranged totally differently than it was when I was actually looking on monday.
so even if i’m following the activity daily, they’re going to rearrange things the next day & change it up.

it makes sense to me that if i just keep track of what i know is coming out based on what we’ve spent and what funds we have available that we should stay in the black regardless of how they rearrange things.

but no.

somehow, all my figurings get randomly thrown out the window and i have no way of knowing why because i have no proof of how the online statement looked the day before and how it changed today. this last month we’ve had a total of $140 in overdraft charges. maybe i should start printing out each day’s online statement and comparing it to the next day… i don’t know.
it’s humbling to admit financial failure, especially when i’ve been thinking we’re great, everything’s on track, we’re good to go. it feels like no matter how hard i try, I still can’t even control the simplest of daily mathematical situations. and for the most part it’s really all on me. it’s both nick & i’s money, but i do the daily figuring since i usually enjoy lists & whatnot. we decide together what we should spend our money on, how much we should budget for groceries, etc. but i alone do the daily managing (or mismanaging).

it makes me wonder if i can’t control this little area of our life, how in the world can i even try to get a handle on other, bigger life issues?
and all you christians out there will say , ‘aha! exactly! the moral of this story is that you can’t control things and god’s trying to get you to understand that you’re not in control of your life – you should just trust him.’
and to all of you christians out there, i say that’s just annoying. of course i know i’m supposed to be trusting god, and of course i know i’m not in control of my life. but what does that mean in every day practical living?
i’ve always wrestled with the extreme view that’s projected by oversimplified christianity – the ‘let go and let god’ mentality… obviously god’s in control but that doesn’t mean we sit on our couch doing nothing. we still have to participate in the actions of life.

the answer is hidden somewhere within the concept of living in the tension of being human. i don’t remember which book i read it in, but it talked about that idea, that living on this earth as spiritual beings presents a tension that we’re ill-equipped to understand. it involves letting go while holding on, desiring something but not having it but still hoping, all those themes that seem to contradict each other but are supposed to exist simultaneously. i don’t get it. i don’t know how it works. i suppose somehow that’s also part of that tension.
i feel a little less bummed out though, thanks to venting. sometimes it helps.

the work of the spirit

2009-06-01T11:33:00.000-07:00

so i've been doing some thinking and pondering the last few days.
here's what i've been thinking and pondering:

usually when i'm in church it's very difficult for me to focus on what i'm supposed to be focusing on. instead of paying attention to the service, i'm usually watching the people and being distracted by all the normal people-like things going on. if there's a baby anywhere near, the morning's shot for sure. they're just so entertaining with their wide-eyed wonder and squealing and hand-waving. it's pretty impossible for me to pay attention. and even regular full-grown people are distracting - i look at their outfits, their hair-dos, their interactions with whoever they're sitting by...
it's not something i'm proud of, but it's just my particular weakness. i'd rather be shoring up the spiritual knowledge imparted by the pastor or joining in singing the praises of my good god... i just find myself more often than not very distracted. this is something about myself that i'm not surprised by - i'm pretty used to it. i'm good at sitting still and giving the illusion of full attention being directed toward the front, but under the surface, my mind's usually all over the place.

a few sundays ago i was a little surprised by something though. toward the end of the service we were singing a few songs of dismissal and i closed my eyes (not out of a deeper reverence - mostly because then i can hear my voice better and hear it compared to the voices around me and i like hearing the pretty sounds blend... yes, it's true, that has nothing to do with worshipping god...) but all of the sudden i got this impression of myself standing surrounded by people (as i was in fact, standing) but suddenly not aware of the other people in a distracting sense. we were all standing side by side, but all of our attention was directed upward in praise. we were united horizontally by our vertical affection. we weren't paying attention to each other all that much, i wasn't comparing my dress to so and so's or deciding if yonder lady really should be keeping her noisy kids in the main church service instead of sending them to the nursery (things that only i can decide, you know), but we were each paying full and undivided attention to our maker. our thoughts and hopes and focus was single-mindedly directed toward the father in a way that was beyond our ability to achieve. we weren't all of the sudden more pious - it's like we were being drawn up into worship. he wanted us to see him in his glory, so he pulled our focus up into his presence.
it was only for a few minutes, but it was something completely other than i've ever experienced in church.
i knew it wasn't me. this might sound hoky or disturbing to you, depending on who you are or how you've grown up, but i know it was the holy spirit drawing my heart up into the heart of the father, corporately with my brothers and sisters who were equally being drawn. and instead of it being an individual thing only i experienced - i was standing side by side with others who were equally being drawn - it was an even more powerful feeling of joining a huge group of people all united by a magnetic pull of a god who wanted us to experience him more fully.
i tend to mistrust 'feelings' and see more value in something if it's purely logical and rational, but really, we were made to be emotional beings. it's when feelings overtake and supercede logic that things get out of whack. i almost feel like i've relied so heavily on rational logic to choose to go to church and choose to sing whether i feel like it or not, knowing it's the right thing to do - but god was saying, 'here's what it feels like to worship'.

it was just a few minutes at the end of church one day, but for me it was a total shift in thinking. it was so completely not of my own doing that i literally can't dismiss it as over-excited religiosity. i know it was from the holy spirit.

then this last sunday, something similar but even more amazing happened.
again, it was the end of the service and we were singing the last few songs. i closed my eyes, and i was instantly swept up in the most amazing mental movie of worship ever! it was so beautiful, i wish every one of you could see it!
like before, i was standing side by side with the people worshipping the lord in song, but each one of us was a part of the most brilliant river of light, travelling swiftly, moving together in a steady stream upward to an even brighter light above us. we were full of color but also full of silvery non-color at the same time. it was clear and bright and so fast - i wanted to stay there and be a part of that in my mind forever. as the song was ending though and we moved on to another song, i kept trying to hold onto that mental image but it left without my permission and i kept struggling to bring it back... but as moved on to another song, it changed to something different. instead of a river of light, all the voices changed into swirling clouds that rose up over us in the sky and joined each other to make a covering over all the earth, hovering and moving together in the same silvery, colorful, bright beautiful light. i was standing alone but was joining a great crowd with my voice that grew into an amazing panorama of beautiful worship. and again like the other sunday, it was my imagination and my voice, but i was being called up into worship, there was no effort of my own involved. i didn't do any magic trick to get this cool vision, in fact, i was pretty grumpy during the service - not at all in a churchy mood. but i knew the holy spirit was drawing me up into worship in a way that i could never imagine or accomplish on my own.
it was beautiful.

every once in a while i'd open my eyes and look at the people around me and try to make what my spiritual eyes were seeing fit in with the reality of them but it was kind of disappointing. the real people were dull - even the bright colored skirts on the trendy girls were dull and boring compared to the bright, silvery light moving in worship. i didn't want to see them in real life, i just wanted to keep my eyes closed and keep seeing my mental vision of them. but there was something about looking back and forth at real life and at my mind's eye that kept me comparing and trying to figure out how we fit. i kept thinking there has to be a reason that god made us human and ugly and pitifully dull in comparison with how we could be. he could have just skipped the humanity part entirely if there were no reason for it.
even after we were done singing and we went downstairs and ate and talked, i kept thinking about the conundrum. i talked to a few people about the vision of worship that i felt like god drew me into and we discussed it a bit... how maybe my vision was an idea of how our transformed bodies will be in the new heaven and new earth - what we were created to look like and how we were originally intended to worship... still mulling. then when i was laying in bed that night trying to sleep i thought some more. i was remembering that jesus chose to come in the flesh, to be human. i kept thinking, 'why?' then the answer came out of the blue like a big gong clang. obviously, it's because of human weakness! and when it came to me, it was so entirely obvious that it was almost too simple to be the answer to the question i'd been pondering all day. i'd just been trying to make it more complicated than it is.
our weakness and frailty is the perfect vessel for god's strength and beauty. if i were all that competent, if i were able to pay perfect attention in church and glean all the wonderful insights every sunday, if i were able to respect my husband perfectly in all his ways and love him entirely with all my being, i would have no need for god in my life.
my weakness and my need draw me into a dependence on the only one able to make me strong.
otherwise i might never turn to him. we were made with free will so we can choose whether or not to be in relationship with the father, but we were made so feeble, so frail that there's only one logical place to turn. and when we do, there's a part deep inside that feels perfectly right.

i've never been too good at witnessing or 'evangelizing the unsaved of the world' mostly because i can't quantify this feeling in my soul. i can't make my faith sound socially acceptable. but that's all i really have to go on when i think about god. i know it's right because there's this place in me that knows he's the only way. nothing else will do.

i don't know if that's the only 'moral of the story' - i'm sure there's more to be pondered, but that's where i'm at right now.

i meet with a small group of girls once a month and we talk about our lives, what god's teaching us - we pray for each other and eat food. the last couple of times we've talked about how we can keep each other spiritually accountable. when it was my turn, i was at a loss to say how they could keep me accountable - i hate thinking about all the ways that i don't measure up, and being held accountable sounds to me like choosing the one area i'm in the weakest in and trying harder to do it better. very often times i don't feel like i fit into the regular 'christian' mold that i assume i'm supposed to fit into - 30 minute quiet time in the morning, reading the bible and praying, writing scripture verses on pieces of paper and taping them to your dash, making cookies for the neighbors, having bible studies with my students after school...
those are all good things, but i have no idea how to go about being and doing those things every day. i'm not a good person more often than not.
as i was saying these things to the group, ann-victoria said maybe i could be held accountable to ask god what 'christianity' looks like for me. not that there's all different varieties of christianity and you have to find the right one that fits you... i think people just expect everyone to look a certain way on the outside without knowing what's going on in their hearts. instead of being concerned with doing the right things and looking good, i want to ask god to show me how to worship him with my whole heart.

then the sermon in church on sunday was about the greatest commandment - to love the lord your god with all your heart, soul & mind and to love your neighbor as yourself. the pastor went on to say that it's not enough to 'want' to fulfill that commandment, but we must 'will' it, and we have nothing within us that causes us to will it. it's only by the power of the holy spirit, creating in us that willingness that we can love. he went on to encourage us to make space in our lives to ask the spirit for that willingness.
i think that's what i need to be held accountable for these days - to continually ask the spirit for a willingness to love. all the other things that fit that 'christian mold' flow out of a heart that is empowered by the holy spirit and alive to the love of god.

anyhow, those are about 3 different threads weaving together in my mind these days but really with just one theme - the work of the holy spirit... a lot to mull over, but pretty cool at the same time.

if you've survived this lengthy post, give yourself a 'kudos' from me. :-)

lovey

2007-12-30T21:39:00.000-08:00

i realized today how i truly am so incredibly thankful for nick in my life. i can't even find the words to describe the depth of the gratitude in my heart for him. i sometimes feel like writing too much about him will sound trite or cliche, and anything i might say to other people could sound the same way.
the truth of the matter is, i think god has shown me more of what redemption looks like through nick than through anything or anyone else he's brought into my life.
all the junk that's associated with the male gender for me is slowly being redefined in nick. yes, he's still a guy, he's not perfect, but i'm starting to understand how i can love a guy with all his imperfections and hang-ups as fully as i could ever love the perfect guy. in fact, so much more deeply because of his faults. when he's blown it and he's ashamed of himself or he's wounded and emotional and he comes to me with that soft, hurting face, all i want to do is be tender and loving to him. and when he uses words that i've long ago labeled as cornball, like cuddle and snuggle, it makes me want to do those very things with him.
i just love that guy.

i love his solid, physical presence when it's an arm's reach away, i love having someone to depend on that feels it's his god-given duty to protect and provide for me and acts out that calling as often as he possibly can, i love taking care of him when he's sick, i love loving him and relishing the fact that no one else loves him like i do, holding his hand, following his lead, responding to his tenderness that fits surprisingly well, amidst the beard and the dirty jeans.

i just love him. maybe not as well as i will grow to, but for now, it's more than i ever expected.

'ergh' defined

2007-12-09T11:05:00.000-08:00

disclaimer: possible extreme ranting and raving ahead.
read at your own risk.

after the first 5 minutes of interacting with the aforementioned counselor, i realized i had a new winner for the 'least favorite people in my life' award. the last winner was a girl who flipped me off while zooming past in her sporty little car. i think i was going too slow...? i don't remember. i just remember feeling emotionally assaulted by a gesture. while the new winner did not assault me, gesturally or otherwise, i ended up feeling like crap anyhow. i don't know if there are hordes of people that love the way this woman counsels... if so, godspeed to them. but personally, i'd rather be counseled by a man-eating venus fly trap.

'what's the big deal?' you say. 'it couldn't have been that bad!'
well, let me just fill you in.

throughout the course of my vast counseling experiences, i've found that it's easier to share your deep-seated fears and hang-ups while warming up to the counselor first, having a little introduction, giving some pleasant background-setting chit-chat.
makes sense, right? right.

after being led into this particular counselor's office,

(which was just that -- about 7' x 7' rectangle of a room with a metal desk and two hard chairs... oh, and a heater that came on every time the air conditioner came on, creating an odd draft of freezing and roasting air simuntaneously)

she plopped down, turned to me and said, 'so why are you here?' then stared unblinkingly at me trying to fumble my way into honest sharing of struggles and need of help to process life in general. not many comments or questions came from her unless i just quit talking entirely and stared back at her for a few seconds, at which point she would make a 'counseley' statement or question -- her favorite being, 'so how are you feeling right now?'.
at the time i couldn't explain why i was responding so negatively to her, but i felt more and more angry as the hour ticked away. in retrospect, i think it's because a counselor is supposed to be someone you want to talk to. and when you don't want to talk to them because you hate them, somehow you still have to talk to them because you're trapped in this tiny, cold/hot, institutional office with them. and if you let on that you hate them, they're going to ask you why and suddenly it might get so much more awkward. so i basically felt manipulated into talking about myself in ways that i really didn't want to, but was constrained to based on the implied code of counseling.

i don't know if that makes any sense at all, but the long and the short of it was, i left her office

(why don't you give me a call to set up another appointment?'
'no, thank you, and i hate you' -- mad dash out the door...)

got in my car and sobbed very angrily for enough time to get it all out, then just furrowed my brow for a little while longer, after which time i felt much better.
oh, and decided to never visit a counselor again, for as long as i live.

yes, i realize that's a decision i made out of an emotional response. i'm now reconsidering it since i'm still in dire need of some extra help with this phase of my life. but i don't know if i have the chutzpah quite yet.
it might be a while.

remember that definition for 'inertia'?

the property of matter by which it retains its state of rest or its velocity along a straight line so long as it is not acted upon by an external force.

who would've known that the external force that acted upon me would have been the very thing i thought i was walking in a straight line towards?!
i'm suddenly confused.

inertia

2007-12-01T08:15:00.000-08:00

you may think, have i had absolutely no thoughts in an entire month? well i answer you, no, i certainly haven't. i've been a blissful blank slate walking around, minding my own business, with nary a thought in the world.

and now, the only thing drawing me to think of thoughts is my chronic procrastinating tendencies. i should be cleaning my house, doing laundry, writing new church serving schedules, figuring out lesson plans for my sub on monday (cursed curriculum day... i'll be a mere hallway away from my very own classroom, but i'll be typing in dreary curriculum to a dreary new curriculum program). as usually happens when there's too many things to do, i set them all away in a compartment marked 'system overload' and find totally unrelated and unnecessary things to do, such as eat pizza and ice cream for breakfast, stand over the heater and stare into space, try to dredge up thoughts to share on the aptly named thoughts blog...
if i were a computer, i would be at that stage where there's too many tasks and it freezes up and not even pushing 'ctrl' 'alt' 'del' works and you have to reach back and find the 'reset' slot on the back and push it over with the end of a pen...
only problem is, no one's around to do that for me.
so here i am, frozen up.

truth be told, the ultimate issue freezing me up has nothing to do with any of the myriad tasks i should be doing. i usually find great pleasure in doing the kinds of things waiting patiently for me to tend to. i usually relish them and revel in their completion as i tick each one off my mental list as i happily go about my saturday.
the real reason my brain has been frozen for the last month has more to do with fear.

there are some things happening in my heart that i really don't want to deal with. i've had tiny little flashes of those things, and i've flinched, drawn back, shut down my brain. as i logically recognize the value of facing my fears, my desire to turn away is much stronger.
if i focus on all the banal nothings of the day, watch the bare branches on the trees outside my window, stare intently at the dust motes in the sunshine stream, maybe i can forget that i ever had those brighter-than-light flashes of anxiety.
even though the after image is still burned on the back of my retinas. when i close my eyes, i still see them, floating, waiting for me to square off, get some gumption, deal with them and move on.

meanwhile, an entire month has gone by.

this monday is the first monday of a new month.
i'm seeing a counselor.
nick has been a jolt of courage for me, leading by example, seeking counseling for himself and encouraging me to do the same. he's given me a good solid push in the right direction. i'm the poster-child for inertia.

in·er·tia
/ɪnˈɜrʃə, ɪˈnɜr-/ –noun

the property of matter by which it retains its state of rest or its velocity along a straight line so long as it is not acted upon by an external force.

here's hoping no other external forces come along before i get there.

2007-10-29T07:24:00.000-07:00

so i've been waiting to see the final results of the poll before writing much more on here... it seems most of you wish this blog were part of bate's klog. the more i thought about it though, the more i decided to leave it separate. the poll was like asking someone which earrings you should wear -- hearing your opinion helped me solidify my own.
i'm leaving it separate because i don't think i would honestly write these contemplative kind of thoughts on bate's klog. if i joined the two, i would basically just be killing this one with nothing taking its place. there are a lot of thought processes that i just have to use more words for, and i don't like cluttering up the other blog with so much wordiness. it seems like a picture story/event/news type place.
i feel more free to write long writings on here, like i'm journaling more than updating.

so there you have it.

soon to come: more long, wordy, contemplative writings!

gender confusion

2007-10-15T14:09:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking a lot lately about the whole gender topic.
no, i'm not contemplating whether i might be a man inside a woman's body (why is oprah obsessed with that anyway?)...
i am however, thinking that i wish i knew more about what it means to be a woman right now in my life.

teaching art to high schoolers is the best job i've had, hands down. BUT, there are times every single day where i feel like i'm having to fill a role that is more leaderly, more assertive, more manly than i was created to be as a woman.
maybe this is part of the reason why i don't see myself being a teacher for the rest of my life.
the deepest desire of my heart is to be a wife and a mother. even the word 'job' seems like what the man does.
i'm sounding more and more like a 50's conservative old-fogey here.

the question i've been wrestling with though is why are there parts of me that are less than feminine?
does it have to do with being trained to fill a male role, therefore getting easier as time goes by?
is it because i'm naturally arrogant & independent and i need to sacrifice those tendencies as sin?
or is it just strong woman personality, and an okay way to be?
i feel like i'm a big mishmosh that needs to be sorted out. i'm not so good at sorting mishmoshes.

the reason i find myself mulling these things over is because of how much more intense my desire has been lately to live the role god created me for. i don't know about all those confused gender people on oprah, but i'm glad to be female. it's not all science and hormones and brain chemistry. there's something mysterious and unexplainable about being one or the other gender, and i'm glad i'm not in control of it all. it's beyond me.

it's fun to be a part of a relationship with nick right now. as we grow together, i'm able to act out my femininity which supports and encourages nick to act out his maculinity, which in turn supports and encourages my femininity...

you get the picture.
it's primarily through our relationship that i'm starting to see these ways that i'm less feminine than i would have noticed, which makes me ask the questions...
we're going to do a little couple's counseling with the infamous eric bolger and maybe explore topics like this. i'm excited about it.

a renewed mind

2007-10-06T18:36:00.000-07:00

i must confess, when it comes to reading my bible, i'm just not very disciplined. i sometimes go weeks without reading and journaling and talking to the lord. this is a very unfortunate thing, as i tend to realize with great conviction directly after spending some time catching up. it's SO necessary to life to be renewing my mind in the word! why do i go so long thinking i'll just get by until i have a little more time, or whatever other reason is floating around in my head?
i think especially lately, i've been spending most of my emotional energies and efforts on my relationship with nick. i don't think he's god, mind you, but it's sometimes easy to put him in the front of my mind.
i know none of this is a new dilemma. pretty much every christian on the planet could say they've had experiences similar to these... somehow it always just takes a good dose of truth to really wake up those senses that had been getting lulled softly to sleep.

this morning i thought i'd do my normal psalm of the day, but then it dawned on me that i never really get to read any psalm above 31 with that tactic. so i figured i'd work my way through the '6' psalms. i read psalm 6, 16, 26, 36, 46, 56, 66, 76, 86... and then on psalm 86, i camped out for a little while. having never really read it before, it was hard to process. so i journaled it out phrase by phrase, responding to the truths one at a time. i tell you what, it was such a huge blessing to my heart to be so freshly renewed in honest goodness straight from the merciful, compassionate character of the lord! i have nothing to offer but futile effort, but it is almost something outside of myself, this devotion to him that was born out of his unfailing devotion to me. no matter how far my empty wandering thoughts may take me, there's some mysterious thing that is as real as the bones in my body, as tight as the sinews holding me together that holds me cleaved into him and draws me back, time afer time. and in knowing this, then in receiving his mercy when i'm far away, somehow he shows up, accompanied by so much joy.

i guess all those hebrew people and i aren't so different. i'm right there with them in forgetting his trustworthy goodness.
praise god he is slow to anger and rich in love.

2007-09-28T14:24:00.000-07:00

it seems that i'm a bigger control-freak than i'd imagined.
lately it's been coming to my attention how much i rely on myself to succeed, and when i don't, how much i despair.

the biggest issue currently is with my eating/exercising/physical appearance. that should be a no-brainer -- obviously every girl would list that as the #1 area they tend to have control issues with, but i guess it just hadn't occurred to me.
i've gained 5 pounds in the last two months, and it's set off this sort of panic alert in me, causing me to be super vigilant to my choices throughout the day. the funny part is, i haven't changed anything since this revelation, i've just been a lot more aware of myself and felt a lot more guilty for the things i do that i shouldn't be doing.
for example, i tend to eat whatever the heck i feel like eating, then count on exercise to keep me at a status quo.
but then what happens when i can't fit exercising in for one reason or another? i gain weight.
then i freak out.

god's been slowly teaching my heart about letting go of control, surrendering my motivations and letting him give me new ones that have to do with honoring his character through making healthy choices...
he's so much more gentle than i am. he's a gracious god.
i like that.

it makes acting out those healthy choices a joy instead of a panic attack. i still don't love jogging, but at least the change of attitude causes my heart to reflect on the benefits the exercise is working in my physical body that god breathed into existence and allowed me to steward for these years on earth.
that's a far cry from my usual thoughts which have something to do with envisioning the extra flab jiggling in various parts of my body that are stubbornly holding on with all their might, fighting against my desire to work them away.

i'm starting to see how i need that same transition of attitude toward my students also. i get to be such a cranky person when my methods of controlling them fail and they continue being disrespectful and whiney and irresponsible. when i stop expecting them to act a certain way and just decide to treat them with compassion and gentleness regardless of their actions, their responses to me may not change much, but i see them differently and can get through a day without wanting to kill anyone, at least :-)

it's such an amazing thing to me how much a change of attitude can really affect your entire world.
one of my favorite quotes by wayne dyer sums it up nicely:

loving people live in a loving world.
hostile people live in a hostile world.
same world.

praise god, he has put his love in us so we can love the world with his strength, as a response to who he is.

2007-09-15T08:48:00.000-07:00

the inevitable is happening.
i truly am becoming old, not just in years, but all across the board.
this realization was brought on by checking out my mom's latest post. i felt a true sense of loss that i wasn't able to celebrate with my family at my grandaddy's 80th birthday party. they threw him a luau-themed party, which is an odd choice for the grandaddy i imagine i know, but which somehow fits him, maybe in a way that i've missed knowing by not growing up around him.
i've never really thought too much about the fact that i'm living my life apart from my family, except to think it's not that big of a deal. we see each other every so often, we catch up...

what if it is a big deal?!

i think i'm missing something here.

there's no easy solution -- if i move to north carolina, i'm still far far away from colorado and mexico and florida...
truth is, the corleys have just turned into a nomadic sort of clan with loose ties that haven't pulled on me too much for the most part.
recently i've been feeling the tug.

they say you appreciate your parents the older you get. turns out the ambiguous 'they' were right.
this last year i've been getting tantalizing glimpses of the value of my family.

...of my mother who i'm like in so many expressive, out-going, quick-acting ways. she's given me real nuggets of wisdom with this whole new relationship world i've entered. i'd never thought about how much insight she would have to offer on the topic of relating to my dad, her husband. it's sort of a no-brainer, but i'd never considered it.
...and of my father whose methodical lists and sensitive heart used to drive me crazy, but who i see mirrored in nick time and time again. not only am i loving nick the more i know him, but he's causing me to grow in love for my dad at the same time. a tender-hearted, caring, protective man is a rare commodity, but i can't say enough how blessed i am to have at least two of them in my life.

this is a prime example of what i'm missing. here we've got dad, uncle greg & grandaddy in a pose i don't think i ever could have imagined (well, maybe uncle greg...)

it's vaguely frustrating that the family you mature with and who matures with you ends up turning out pretty darn cool right around the same time you no longer enjoy the privilege of sharing a home with them.

i suppose i can only hope i'll raise a family that my kids will be sad to leave.

2007-09-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

so about injuries...
this neck whiplash is reminding me of when i had my acl knee surgery. there's something about having your body out of whack that really messes with your emotions as well.
all day today i've been feeling really sensitive -- like i could just start crying at the drop of a hat. i'm fed up with having the whole turn-body-to-look-at-someone-beside-me thing. i hate not being able to just relax. no matter what position i'm in, i feel uncomfortable or in pain.

this is me, being a whiner. sometimes it helps to just get it out though. maybe now i can go about the rest of the day filled with a gratitude for the relatively healthy body i'm usually privy to, and a deeper sense of compassion for others.

it's amazing how easy it is to take good health for granted. maybe that's because god made us to be healthy. sin is really at fault for disease, injury, bodily decay...
i like god's plan a whole lot better.

2007-09-06T07:16:00.000-07:00

i'm so glad i went to small group last night! i'm so very glad that i joined in the discussion about the direction and focus of the group. it was a really good time of listening to each other, hearing the passions, desires & needs of each person, and brainstorming how to most effectively meet those through our style of relating to each other.

after all the analyzing over why i was feeling so torn between staying or going, all it took was being there for a few minutes to understand myself. i looked around at everyone sitting there in nick & rob's living room, and felt overwhelmed with emotion. i hadn't realized how hurt i'd been feeling. not toward any one person, but towards the group as a whole, for not meeting the expectations i have of such a group. as i've realized over and over lately, i don't recognize my own expectations until they're somehow not met. then i'm surprised by feeling disappointed, frustrated, hurt, etc. and have to take some time to process why i've responded in such a strong way.

so about those expectations.
i go to small group to find a place where i can be heard, understood, and empathized with, no matter what i'm dealing with at the time. i don't even have to be dealing with anything heavy, i just want to know that the people i'm closest to care deeply about me to the point where they spend time looking in my face and wanting to know what's going on in my thoughts.
i go to small group to find a place where i can hear, understand, and empathize with other people, no matter what they're dealing with at the time. i want to look them in the face and communicate how deeply i care about them. i want to hear the ways they're experiencing and understanding god. as i hear about those things, not only am i affirming them, but i'm also gaining a bigger picture of god, since he works through each of us in such unique, individual ways. i want to see more facets of his character, and the best way to see them is through the ways he shows himself to each one of his people.
so, consequently and lastly, i go to small group to find a place where i can hear from god.

these might sound like lofty goals, virtually impossible expectations... but i know it can happen. i see glimpses of it from time to time, and i saw each one of them realized last night when we were discussing.
i felt completely heard as i shared these things that are on my heart.
i heard other people's passions -- nate's concern for making everyone feel welcome no matter what place they're at in life, casey's love for connecting meaningfully with people, lauren's desire for a family to grow out of this group... i was reminded of how important it is to be always reaching out, even as we're being strengthened from within. it's very necessary for our group to be tight-knit and to deliberately nurture the life of god by caring for each other, but we shouldn't exclude others in the process.
and i saw more of god's character as i heard these passions. i was reminded of his love, patience, compassion, humility, sacrifice... you get the picture.

it was a good meeting.
:-)

i'm going to stick with these guys for a while yet.
thanks for your thoughts and encouragement as i mulled all this over.

2007-09-04T12:25:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking a whole lot about small group lately. i don't know why it's an issue of such conflict in my mind, but i can't seem to come to a conclusion.
i've been a part of the same small group for the last 3 years, since it first began. it has changed quite significantly since then, myself and eric bolger being the only two original members.
the first year, it consisted of people that i wasn't super close to, but was willing to get to know for the sake of community building. my main desire was to have a place of realness, where people could struggle and still be accepted, where everyone cared deeply about each other and expressed that caring by being deliberate in pursuing each other relationally.
this is still my greatest desire for small group, regardless of the changes.
the first year, not being too comfortable with everyone, we all worked our way toward that end goal, but after that year many people moved to different states, got married and formed young married groups, etc.
the second year about 1/2 of the people were the same but i felt more at home in the group, having been a part of it for a while. it was easier to act in the way that was moving towards that relational interaction goal i had in my mind. every once in a while people responded in a way that made me think we were on the right track... the snippets of vulnerability and honesty were enough to keep me coming.
then this past year, the members have changed again, and the tone of the group has gradually shifted to a more social gathering versus a deep, meaningful relational gathering. this summer especially became a free-for-all, with anyone or no one showing up, some people bringing friends, others coming late, etc.
it wasn't really a small group. it was inconsistent and fun sometimes, but mostly exasperating to see the group disintegrating. many more moved to other states again, or dropped out entirely.
at the end of the summer, i didn't feel at all like continuing being in the group, and decided to take a break from it for a while. i still have a strong desire for meaningful relational interaction though. so i've been brainstorming other ways of engaging in that type of community i enjoy so much, either in a small group of girls getting together to pray for each other or by being more available to participate in the women's ministry that's really taking off at church these days...
but then erica challenged me to rethink my decision. she felt like i was betraying the group, that it's not fair to drop out without giving it a chance to change and solidify with the new school year.
i gave it some thought, we had another good talk with eric bolger and nick that made me think it might be better to not give up so quick... i even got a little excited at the idea that they might be shifting to a much more committed sort of group, with a more intentional deliberate structure in place.
but then, as i kept thinking about it yesterday and today, i still have hesitations.
i don't know why, but i feel torn between sticking with the group and looking elsewhere for the kind of community my heart needs.
as the group stands right now, there are about 4 people i really know well, 3 i sort of know, and 2 brand new people that have joined in the last couple of months.
another aspect is that meeting on wednesday nights has always been tough for me what with feeling drained from the day of work and then having to get up early then next morning. we usually meet around 7 (sometimes 6 for dinner) and don't get home until around 10 -- that's a good chunk of social time for me. i've learned that my personality can only handle so much social interaction in a week. if i fill up that quota or go over, i turn into some kind of cranky, irritable person.

so here's the pros and cons. that's always a good place to start, right?

reasons to stay:
1. show loyalty -- possibly damage relationships by giving up on group
2. help build a group that meets deep relational needs (in myself & in others)
3. quality time with friends

reasons not to stay:
1. bad time of the day, sometimes draining
2. possibly other ways to build community i might be missing out on
3. new people in the group, having to build new relationships

well, there it is.

i'm still feeling ambivalent. but it's helpful to write out some of the reasoning. let me know if you have any insight. i suppose i'll pray about it, maybe see what the lord has to say. that's always a good place to start also, so they say.
:-)

2007-08-28T13:06:00.000-07:00

the most tiring thing in the world about teaching is the constant nit-picking arguments that are instigated by students.
i feel exhausted from the amount of interaction i've had today that has been some sort of disagreement between how i'm asking my kids to do things and how they think they should be doing them.
i know the love & logic approach is really the best, but it's hard to maintain when i have a different 20-30 kids every 50 minutes.
and it doesn't help when the very staff i'm working with are the main distraction for my kids getting their work done! today we were in the library. the librarian has a custard company which is quite delightful, but every time i turned around they were putting in orders for custard instead of doing their art history!
i tell ya.
somedays it's just wearing.

2007-08-27T15:58:00.000-07:00

i'm ever-lovin' dead meat!!!
i finally hit the gym after a long month or more of break and i feel like i'm going to die.
my legs are like jello and you'll notice from my handy accountability log o'er yonder that i only went a measly 1.5 miles. the lunges and weights and sit-ups are what killed me though.
if i can just survive the next week there might be hope for this poor decrepit sack of jiggle.
i'll keep my log updated and even if no one pays attention to it, i'll still have a tiny little niggle of conscience telling me that SOMEone might be noticing and i should really keep exercising, for that one person's sake, whoever it might be.
there's never anyone in the gym by the time i go, so i have to have someone somewhere as a little accountability or i'll never keep it up.

so whoever you are, thank you.

2007-08-27T10:04:00.000-07:00

this new school year is really feeling like coming home. at least, as much as one can when speaking of a job... it is still a job, but about 90% of the time it really doesn't feel like one. and this, my 4th year teaching, feels the most comfortable and fitting of all. the kids who were freshmen when i first started are now seniors, i know everyone and all the routines, it's just a good feeling.
i'm still not all that close to any of my co-workers, but they're pleasant to be around for the most part.
i've always sort of wished i could have at least one good friend in the bunch, but it's just too hard to develop. the only social time of the day happens at lunch where we crowd 12 teachers around an 8-seater table, try to have 3 conversations at the same time over the dull roar of 240 students, and inhale our lunches in the 15 minutes before the bell rings.

there is a potentially exciting thing developing though. the reason i've wished for better teacher relationships is mainly because i really long to have someone here at school that i can pray with about all the different issues that crop up when working with 100 high school kids a day. i miss having someone to have deeper conversations with and relate to.
turns out, a friend from college who works with church youth in the area was here the other day, surprisingly. i asked her what she was up to. i guess one of the high school girls named jordan is wanting to meet on friday mornings and have a little bible study before school and pray for each other. she's wanting to invite other girls, but she's pretty reserved...
i'm so excited about it! i told my friend i'd like to meet with them, and throughout the week i can keep up with jordan and maybe encourage her with inviting girls, etc.
so we'll see how it goes, but it could be the beginning of a really neat thing.
i don't have jordan in class, but i see her in the halls. if you think of it, you could pray for us.

2007-08-25T11:26:00.000-07:00

i might have interior design bulimia.

i have an overpowering compulsion to purge my entire house of every piece of furniture, every picture frame, every doo-dad, and give it all to a thrift store. or maybe build a bonfire. or sell it on ebay. or give it to friends.

the notion of having a completely clean, empty space tantalizes me like a glittery idea, dangling in front of me. i keep forcing my thoughts away from it, for fear that i'll give in and find myself acting out this compulsion.

maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing...
with no possessions to clutter up a room, when i clean it, i would know i'd cleaned every single part. there'd be no behind-the-bookshelf or under-the-couch shadows to darken my bright, happy, clean-ness.

the only thing that keeps me tethered to reality is the sense that i would horribly regret it. the purged clean happiness may not be enough when i'm faced with the overwhelming remorse of having gotten rid of my favorite things.
i tend to think that without those things, i would be less defined. people would come to my house and see blank rooms and instinctively assign blankness to my personality. as it is, people assign the colors of the walls to mean i must have a cheerful outlook on life. my full bookshelves mean i'm an intelligent reader. my paintings and drawings on the walls obviously attest to my fondness for creativity. that bust of june cleavage confirms being known by friends (casey in particular) and shows my undying loyalty to them (by displaying it shamelessly in my house)...
on the other hand, don't i want people to know me through relationship and interaction? do i really need things to speak for me?

what it all boils down to is finding the balance between materialism and self-definition, i suppose.
when do we have too much stuff?
when does our stuff get in the way, and when does it just facilitate the way?

i don't know.
i'll keep mulling it over before taking too definitive of action.

2007-08-24T13:47:00.000-07:00

...about how great this new blog is with all the editing options!! my old one somehow never switched over to the new and improved version. i clicked the 'switch version' button last year, but it sort of just stayed the same for some reason.
turns out, with all these new-fangled options, i still kind of like the same things though. a little brighter, a little bolder maybe.
nevertheless, it's always nice to have options.

...about how happy it makes me to remember my boyfriend. i'll just be tooling along, minding my own business, and a random little memory of him will pop into my head and i'll feel absurdly happy to have him in my life.
he does such a good job at making me feel treasured and honored and delighted in.
i just love that guy.

...about my ridiculous obsession with sugar and chocolate. my body is so annoyingly intolerant of them but i can't just leave them alone. why can't i be addicted to peas or boiled eggs?
maybe it's through the constant consumption of something that you develop an intolerance. perhaps if i ate boiled eggs every day, i would eventually become allergic to them also. hmm.

...about wanting to pray with people more. i love talking with someone and hearing where they're at spiritually. i love praying with them. i sincerely think i hear from god more clearly when i'm listening deliberately to the people around me.
i miss hearing from god. i don't feel like i've been doing much listening lately.

...about being more disciplined. i keep resolving to start exercising again, but then... another week has suddenly gone by -- no go. what in my little brain just decides, 'you know what? today's not the day to start. try again tomorrow.' the whole choice thing is a conundrum to me. at what point do you decide something and why? what pivotal thing happens to motivate you into that decision, taking you out of the thinking and into the action?
brains are tricky.

...about words and how fun they are but how trendy they can be. i love the word 'tricky', but i can only use it so much without feeling like it's over-used. i wish words could stay fresh and new with every use. the word i hear in the halls these days that makes me laugh is 'ballin' -- the basketball guys use it excessively. i guess it means cool or something. they say, 'that's so ballin' or 'he's ballin'...
but then, why are some words worn out and not others? 'the' will never go out of style. it's always got a place. i suppose it's just descriptors that can get old. your standard nouns are the backbone, adjectives are maybe the clothes and hairstyle. and speaking of over-using, i think i severely over-use hyphenated words.

...about expectations. it's so hard to not have them, to just live in the day as it comes and be content. it seems that i don't notice the expectations i've had of people or events or circumstances until they're somehow not met and i'm supremely disappointed. then i spend hours of over-analytical time trying to figure out why i'm so affected. then suddenly i realize my expectations had not been met, hence the emotional trauma.
it'd be so much easier if people just knew what we wanted and we knew what they wanted and we all just made each other happy.

actually, come to think of it, that'd probably be much harder. if i knew all the ways i could meet the expectations of all my friends and family and i tried to meet them, i'd probably be run ragged. there's no way i could be everything to everyone at all times.

i suppose in the grand scheme of things it's easier to just get used to disappointment. or learn what to do with it anyways. i always forget the very handy idea that our emotions were made to draw us closer to god. i read a book called 'the cry of the soul' by dan allender about that very thing. he says it's not wrong to feel angry or sad or lonely or jealous... it's how we respond to those emotions that gets us in trouble. he says god created us with those emotions for a reason -- to clue us in to our need for him in the moment.
that's kind of neat, if you think about it. when i feel lonely, it's because god made me with the capacity to feel that way so that i would run to him with my sadness. sometimes i fail to see how god 'pursues my heart' as this generation likes to say he does... but this is a prime example of that very action. as he was knitting me together 29 years ago he was already putting in me the capacity for such deep emotion. he was planning the ways he would be pursuing me my whole life long.

i like that.