today i’m bummed out and just wanted to be real about it.
the cause for the bumming out is my own fault, but i’m not quite sure why, which only adds to the negative feeling.
the thing is, once again i’ve mismanaged our budget and we now have 2 overdraft fees against our checking account. this is the second time in the last month and it’s so frustrating! it would be frustrating enough if we’d just made a mistake or something simple, but what’s especially frustrating is that i follow the online statements religiously, at least every other day, but usually daily, to see what’s posted, comparing it to my excel spreadsheet of what should be posting soon, etc. i usually enjoy the meticulous process since i love lists and organization.
yet twice this month i’ve somehow bungled it up and ended with a negative balance. today two debits have shown up as being more than our balance.
i suspect that part of the problem is that i don’t have a complete understanding of the online banking’s complexities. it seems like it’d be pretty standard – when a debit clears at the bank, it should go through the online banking & show up on the statement. what i’ve come to realize though is that they organize the previous day’s debits with the largest debit coming out of our account first, which rearranges the way it looked on that previous day. so i can be looking at the online statement on monday and feel great, yes, we’re on track. then on tuesday, looking back at monday’s activity, it will be arranged totally differently than it was when I was actually looking on monday.
so even if i’m following the activity daily, they’re going to rearrange things the next day & change it up.
it makes sense to me that if i just keep track of what i know is coming out based on what we’ve spent and what funds we have available that we should stay in the black regardless of how they rearrange things.
but no.
somehow, all my figurings get randomly thrown out the window and i have no way of knowing why because i have no proof of how the online statement looked the day before and how it changed today. this last month we’ve had a total of $140 in overdraft charges. maybe i should start printing out each day’s online statement and comparing it to the next day… i don’t know.
it’s humbling to admit financial failure, especially when i’ve been thinking we’re great, everything’s on track, we’re good to go. it feels like no matter how hard i try, I still can’t even control the simplest of daily mathematical situations. and for the most part it’s really all on me. it’s both nick & i’s money, but i do the daily figuring since i usually enjoy lists & whatnot. we decide together what we should spend our money on, how much we should budget for groceries, etc. but i alone do the daily managing (or mismanaging).
it makes me wonder if i can’t control this little area of our life, how in the world can i even try to get a handle on other, bigger life issues?
and all you christians out there will say , ‘aha! exactly! the moral of this story is that you can’t control things and god’s trying to get you to understand that you’re not in control of your life – you should just trust him.’
and to all of you christians out there, i say that’s just annoying. of course i know i’m supposed to be trusting god, and of course i know i’m not in control of my life. but what does that mean in every day practical living?
i’ve always wrestled with the extreme view that’s projected by oversimplified christianity – the ‘let go and let god’ mentality… obviously god’s in control but that doesn’t mean we sit on our couch doing nothing. we still have to participate in the actions of life.
the answer is hidden somewhere within the concept of living in the tension of being human. i don’t remember which book i read it in, but it talked about that idea, that living on this earth as spiritual beings presents a tension that we’re ill-equipped to understand. it involves letting go while holding on, desiring something but not having it but still hoping, all those themes that seem to contradict each other but are supposed to exist simultaneously. i don’t get it. i don’t know how it works. i suppose somehow that’s also part of that tension.
i feel a little less bummed out though, thanks to venting. sometimes it helps.
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The guy in the next office is dealing with similar complexities (the financial ones) - his online bank is paying his mortgage up to a week early even though he has it set up to be paid about a week after his first paycheck of the month. So about every other house payment comes out a day before his paycheck goes in. Eek!
ReplyDeleteAbout all you can do is to try and build up more of a buffer in there. Instead of saving a chunk of change for something cool and tangible, you could scrimp and save towards your "buffer of financial sanity" fund. Not as cool as a new iPod but your chewed-up fingernails will thank you. :-)
Being a person who deals with major control issues, I have also gotten annoyed with the "let go and let God," because as you said, we don't just sit idly by and say, "well, it's out of my control." I mean, come on, isn't responsibility a virtue? And we do have an obligation to God to be good stewards of our money, our children, our whole lives. And yes, Kate, tension is an appropriate word. Balance always seemed vague and impractical to me, especially because I tend to swing on the pendulum. So, yes, I don't know how or what, but I'm there with ya.
ReplyDeleteGlad you're feeling better! Too bad Dad isn't there to help you figure the online thing out, but since he isn't maybe it would be good to leave yourself a little cushion in the bank of say the equivalent of 1 or 2 overdraft charges then you won't have to worry about it. I know. Easier said than done.
ReplyDeleteHang in there Baby; you'll get it figured out. Love you!
Ok...so here's MY two words of wisdom on the both the financial and spiritual "tensions" subjects...just remember that responsability is made up of two words (hence, the "MY two words" bit!)...RESPONSE and ABILITY...the ability to respond appropriately to whatever God allows into your life at any given moment. Sounds like to me, Katie-did, that you are being TOTALY response-able. You are responding in a way that is totally pleasing to the Lord by turning to Him for guidance. Those that ask receive. Get ready...but wait for it! (there's that dichotomus tension again!)
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