i've been thinking a lot lately about the whole gender topic.
no, i'm not contemplating whether i might be a man inside a woman's body (why is oprah obsessed with that anyway?)...
i am however, thinking that i wish i knew more about what it means to be a woman right now in my life.
teaching art to high schoolers is the best job i've had, hands down. BUT, there are times every single day where i feel like i'm having to fill a role that is more leaderly, more assertive, more manly than i was created to be as a woman.
maybe this is part of the reason why i don't see myself being a teacher for the rest of my life.
the deepest desire of my heart is to be a wife and a mother. even the word 'job' seems like what the man does.
i'm sounding more and more like a 50's conservative old-fogey here.
the question i've been wrestling with though is why are there parts of me that are less than feminine?
does it have to do with being trained to fill a male role, therefore getting easier as time goes by?
is it because i'm naturally arrogant & independent and i need to sacrifice those tendencies as sin?
or is it just strong woman personality, and an okay way to be?
i feel like i'm a big mishmosh that needs to be sorted out. i'm not so good at sorting mishmoshes.
the reason i find myself mulling these things over is because of how much more intense my desire has been lately to live the role god created me for. i don't know about all those confused gender people on oprah, but i'm glad to be female. it's not all science and hormones and brain chemistry. there's something mysterious and unexplainable about being one or the other gender, and i'm glad i'm not in control of it all. it's beyond me.
it's fun to be a part of a relationship with nick right now. as we grow together, i'm able to act out my femininity which supports and encourages nick to act out his maculinity, which in turn supports and encourages my femininity...
you get the picture.
it's primarily through our relationship that i'm starting to see these ways that i'm less feminine than i would have noticed, which makes me ask the questions...
we're going to do a little couple's counseling with the infamous eric bolger and maybe explore topics like this. i'm excited about it.
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From a very strong woman, herself, I can SO totally understand your dilemma about being a strong woman. As you well know, I have struggld with the same kinds of questions. Fortunately I was blessed with the awesome privilege of being a wife and mother. But I had a job, too!
ReplyDeleteI've often reminded myself of women in the Bible like Deborah, Esther, Abigail and the Virtuous Woman of Prov. 31. They were all strong women and were obviously given strong, "masculine" things to do...by God! So, there you go!
I love the way you whole heartedly follow hard after all that God has for you and wants to be 100% what He has planned for you to be. That's incredibly awesome! I'm so proud of you!
I struggle with all that as well...except backwards. I don't feel like I do the wife/mother this so well some days, and I wonder if I'd be more productive at a "job." But, then I realize that while I may be more productive somewhere else, that means I'd be zero-productive at home. I guess my struggle may be more with self-discipline...you always were better at that than me.
ReplyDeleteDitto to a lot of what grammy had to say. None of those traditionally male qualities are at all negative and can be pretty darned useful.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I think you're on the best side of the equation - having the leadership skills and independence and "softening" from there if you decide to has got to be a lot easier than starting from frilly and dependent and trying to "toughen up".
I think, for me, my strengths can often be my weaknesses as well, depending on how I use them. For example, I pride myself in being a responsible and punctual person, and although those are both good qualities, I can be anal with them when I don't allow others, or myself, to do anything that might be remotely irresponsible. Or... take up a notch further (which I do) being so worried about responsibilities, duties, and tasks, that I can't just sit and relax and listen.
ReplyDeleteAs for being feminine, I think that our society makes it even harder to walk through the fog of what being feminine truly means, and perhaps it looks completely different for each women. No answers... just similar questions.