it seems that i'm a bigger control-freak than i'd imagined.
lately it's been coming to my attention how much i rely on myself to succeed, and when i don't, how much i despair.

the biggest issue currently is with my eating/exercising/physical appearance. that should be a no-brainer -- obviously every girl would list that as the #1 area they tend to have control issues with, but i guess it just hadn't occurred to me.
i've gained 5 pounds in the last two months, and it's set off this sort of panic alert in me, causing me to be super vigilant to my choices throughout the day. the funny part is, i haven't changed anything since this revelation, i've just been a lot more aware of myself and felt a lot more guilty for the things i do that i shouldn't be doing.
for example, i tend to eat whatever the heck i feel like eating, then count on exercise to keep me at a status quo.
but then what happens when i can't fit exercising in for one reason or another? i gain weight.
then i freak out.

god's been slowly teaching my heart about letting go of control, surrendering my motivations and letting him give me new ones that have to do with honoring his character through making healthy choices...
he's so much more gentle than i am. he's a gracious god.
i like that.

it makes acting out those healthy choices a joy instead of a panic attack. i still don't love jogging, but at least the change of attitude causes my heart to reflect on the benefits the exercise is working in my physical body that god breathed into existence and allowed me to steward for these years on earth.
that's a far cry from my usual thoughts which have something to do with envisioning the extra flab jiggling in various parts of my body that are stubbornly holding on with all their might, fighting against my desire to work them away.

i'm starting to see how i need that same transition of attitude toward my students also. i get to be such a cranky person when my methods of controlling them fail and they continue being disrespectful and whiney and irresponsible. when i stop expecting them to act a certain way and just decide to treat them with compassion and gentleness regardless of their actions, their responses to me may not change much, but i see them differently and can get through a day without wanting to kill anyone, at least :-)

it's such an amazing thing to me how much a change of attitude can really affect your entire world.
one of my favorite quotes by wayne dyer sums it up nicely:

loving people live in a loving world.
hostile people live in a hostile world.
same world.

praise god, he has put his love in us so we can love the world with his strength, as a response to who he is.