i'm so glad i went to small group last night! i'm so very glad that i joined in the discussion about the direction and focus of the group. it was a really good time of listening to each other, hearing the passions, desires & needs of each person, and brainstorming how to most effectively meet those through our style of relating to each other.

after all the analyzing over why i was feeling so torn between staying or going, all it took was being there for a few minutes to understand myself. i looked around at everyone sitting there in nick & rob's living room, and felt overwhelmed with emotion. i hadn't realized how hurt i'd been feeling. not toward any one person, but towards the group as a whole, for not meeting the expectations i have of such a group. as i've realized over and over lately, i don't recognize my own expectations until they're somehow not met. then i'm surprised by feeling disappointed, frustrated, hurt, etc. and have to take some time to process why i've responded in such a strong way.

so about those expectations.
i go to small group to find a place where i can be heard, understood, and empathized with, no matter what i'm dealing with at the time. i don't even have to be dealing with anything heavy, i just want to know that the people i'm closest to care deeply about me to the point where they spend time looking in my face and wanting to know what's going on in my thoughts.
i go to small group to find a place where i can hear, understand, and empathize with other people, no matter what they're dealing with at the time. i want to look them in the face and communicate how deeply i care about them. i want to hear the ways they're experiencing and understanding god. as i hear about those things, not only am i affirming them, but i'm also gaining a bigger picture of god, since he works through each of us in such unique, individual ways. i want to see more facets of his character, and the best way to see them is through the ways he shows himself to each one of his people.
so, consequently and lastly, i go to small group to find a place where i can hear from god.

these might sound like lofty goals, virtually impossible expectations... but i know it can happen. i see glimpses of it from time to time, and i saw each one of them realized last night when we were discussing.
i felt completely heard as i shared these things that are on my heart.
i heard other people's passions -- nate's concern for making everyone feel welcome no matter what place they're at in life, casey's love for connecting meaningfully with people, lauren's desire for a family to grow out of this group... i was reminded of how important it is to be always reaching out, even as we're being strengthened from within. it's very necessary for our group to be tight-knit and to deliberately nurture the life of god by caring for each other, but we shouldn't exclude others in the process.
and i saw more of god's character as i heard these passions. i was reminded of his love, patience, compassion, humility, sacrifice... you get the picture.

it was a good meeting.
:-)

i'm going to stick with these guys for a while yet.
thanks for your thoughts and encouragement as i mulled all this over.